In news that will delight all long-suffering clubbers, Uber - the poor man's taxi service - is to introduce drivers to Ibiza for the first time, it has been claimed. The international car company, already a successful presence in every corner of the world, says it will launch on the island this summer, primarily as a means for herding dumbstruck clubbers from the closing doors of the actual party to the welcoming arms of the after party.
"I've been an Ibiza regular for years," says the company's Chief Executive, Bill Johnson, "and nothing breaks my heart more than seeing a group of dishevelled knuckleheads aimlessly walking around the campo with an upside down map, half a can of flat cider and a distant look of desperation in their eyes. Something had to be done."
As in other parts of Europe, the service will work via an app, in which users can call upon vehicles geographically closest to them to deliver them to their destination of choice - in this case, the after party.
"We're going to provide all our drivers with sat-navs that'll have the location of every after party on the island programmed into it," continued Johnson, "so rather than spending three hours walking in midday sun to find you've arrived at Lidl in San Antonio, all you need to do is summon a car and Bob's your uncle, you'll be at the villa's pearly gates. We've already carried out trials and so far only two cars have driven off cliffs, so we're pretty happy with that. And we're 35% certain we'll have ironed out any glitches by summer."
Word of the revelatory news was greeted with enthusiasm by clubbers, who are all in agreement that conviction for finding the after party only really lasts one hour, after which point everyone would rather go home to bed.
“It's going to change our lives,” said Tom from Croydon, fighting back tears, “now we can seamlessly transition from club to after party without the ever-present fear that we'll end up dying in a ditch. And we're going to have so much more energy left for fist-pumping. It really is a Nobel Prize-winning idea.”
“I just love that the money comes straight out of your account," continued Jenna, from Newport, “that way any cash you've got left over can be used for more important things... like vodka. And inflatables.”
**NOTE: This article is an April Fool's joke.
