Welcome to Ibiza2015: the season, the hashtag, the dream. Willpower and patience will be tested, careers will be made and fists will be enthusiastically pumped. We stand at the edge of a proverbial precipice, ready to cliff-dive, naked and tipsy down into the enticing turquoise waters of the season to come. But beware, for as well as cool refreshment, hidden rocks, jellyfish and the occasional suspiciously warm-patch lie below. We’re gearing up for a stellar season, but it wouldn’t be Ibiza without some monumental and controversial flops. Speaking of…
What will become of the club formerly known as Gatecrasher, which still owes money to thousands after filling San Antonio with hot air in May then gradually failing deliver in every respect throughout the season? Reverting back to its previous name and separate management, Eden, the troubled venue can still boast the best sound system on the island, but the fallout from Gate-crasher-gate still lies on the land plot like a radioactive hex. There’s talk of a ‘clear out of the area’ which is PR-speak for forcibly removing the raving and rabid ex-gatecrasher employees who have camped out in the Crasher/Eden halls over winter after being left penniless by the wayward business last summer. Homeless ex-Gatecrasher workers have also been spreading across Ibiza’s countryside, mingling with the swollen stray cat population with talks of retribution and revenge carried out in hissing whispers. Some say they’ve turned cannibal, but Spotlight believes this might be an inflammatory conclusion, and that they are actually seeking compensation before manflesh. But who really knows, RIGHT?
Over in PDB, Sankeys will release several videos reminding us that it is the best club in the entire world, the cleverest, bravest, most improved, most noble and prettiest of all clubs. The Sankeys team will not upgrade the club’s air conditioning however, having already released a statement declaring, “our temperature is perfect, as are we”. Richie Hawtin’s ENTER. at Space, meanwhile, goes into the next phase of its technologic and cultural development, introducing The ‘Black Up’ Room, where punters can change their colourful attire to something more befitting a celebration of music and dancing in Ibiza, like head-to-toe black clothing.
In the wake of news that new hotel complex BH Mallorca includes an adults-only water park, Ushuaïa plans not to be upstaged in the adults playground stakes, and will be fitting an enormous bouncey castle in place of the existing stage. Ushuaïa resident DJs have complained this new development will hinder their ability to perform, but punters say it will improve their insta-game, and isn’t that what really matters? Ushuaïa will be selling ticket upgrades which include 45-second access to the bouncey castle stage. The practicalities of this latest venture leave something to be desired, but the imagery of Ushuaïa dancers combatting the new and improved stage is superb.
Amnesia continues to defend its decision to have given Paris Hilton more reasons to hang out on the white isle, renewing her mid-summer residency for 2015 amidst widespread wailing, cursing and hair pulling from lovers of authenticity worldwide. Our inside sources say of the development, “it blows”. We also hear rumour that Amnesia has enlisted Justin Bieber for a few special b2b sets with Paris. It’s early to call, but we feel reasonably confident in predicting this to be the worst thing in the history of ever.
In better news, Amnesia’s Sven Väth, the forefather of Cocoon on monday nights, has agreed to take his affectionate nickname ‘Papa Sven’ more seriously, and legally adopt all techno lovers worldwide. To apply for Sven Väth as your new father, email whosyourdaddy@cocoon.net with five reasons why Papa Sven would have raised you better than your real parents.
"To apply for Sven Väth as your new father, email whosyourdaddy@cocoon.net with five reasons why Papa Sven would have raised you better than your real parents."
Over at Pacha, Steve Aoki will now be forced to throw cabbages at his fans instead of cakes, after a sizeable outcry from the vegan hippy population in the north of the island. During a trial run at Pacha over winter punters actually began to pelt the cabbages back at Aoki's head, and the general consensus from everyone except Aoki HQ is that this practice is A-OK.
Now what do Jennifer Lawrence, Cara Delevingne and Dixon have in common? They were all last season’s It Girl in their chosen field. So who will take the reins from Dixon and be this summer’s Techno It Girl?
Ones to watch:
- Hodor - up and coming on the gimmick-DJ scene, Hodor has been entertaining dance music and game of thrones fans (that’s all of us, right?) worldwide. This season, he’s set to crack the Balearics. Hodor!
- With irony on the rise thanks to the hipster explosion, it looks like Judge Jules could be pegged as this season’s hottest up-and-comer.
- One to watch for slightly different reasons, surely this year will be the year David Guetta has some kind of public meltdown, and so we wait patiently with our pens and cameras poised. Since splitting up with skin-bearing wife Cathy, some feel Guetta has become even more self-indulgent than before - our sources say that is literally impossible.
Ibiza fashion last year was all about the nineties, so this season we predictably move forward into an early-noughties revival, which involves the return of alarmingly low-rise tight jeans à la Britney Spears in her sexed-up I’m-not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman phase. Rally yourself, unfortunate readers, for the impending onslaught of muffin tops, plumber’s cracks and unnecessary belts. Men, meanwhile will be rocking popped collars, trucker caps and soul patches, whilst the female black plastic choker which dominated clubland last season will be replaced by the male white shell choker, for a beachy, relaxed and slightly lecherous vibe. Basically it’s going to be grim.
San Antonio continues to empty out with each passing summer, with young brits now favouring east side Playa d’en Bossa accommodation. San Antonio locals say, “sweet, finally”, whilst the official statement from Playa d’en Bossa is, “OMG Nooooooooooooooooooooo”. As well as the usual European clientele, Ibiza will welcome a growing number of visitors from the US this summer, as word spreads throughout the land about the mystical party-island. Americans still have some catching up to do in the cultural awareness stakes however, as many are still referring to the white isle as “Iziba”, bless.
At the other end of the economic scale, prepare for another August invasion. The celebrities will return like an expensive bad smell, bringing unwanted attention from the likes of the Daily Mail, Heat, and people who genuinely like Justin Bieber (we were unsettled to discover these people not only exist, but co-mingle without persecution). Experts warn even a brief return visit from Kim Kardashian could result in over 400 selfies, so if you, like most of us, don’t give a flying ferret about Kim’s face or ass, navigate your way through the internet carefully during this period.
As for the media, we predict on-going tabloid coverage exposing the allegedly hedonistic, drug-fuelled, hymen slashing, moral-eroding cesspool we call the white isle, mixed with hyperbolic glowing reviews, misinformed listicles, over-used fish-eye lens photography and at least 39 Ibiza-related Wunderground headlines before the year is out… ‘cause we’re an easy target.
Ibiza2015, the world is ready for you. Don’t screw it up.
View this feature in the Ibiza Spotlight Magazine, Issue 002.